"We live in a bustling, crowded world, yet loneliness appears to be on the rise. Why are so many of us feeling isolated and what can we do about it?
There are many kinds of loneliness – everyone feels it differently. But what is it to you?
Perhaps loneliness is a city. On its streets, among the hubbub, the crowds, the chatter and laughter, you remain a stranger – discombobulated, disconnected, in the way.
Maybe it's a relationship turned sour. A marriage or partnership of unheard words and unmet needs. You're there, but never seen.
But if you've ever experienced situations like those described in the opening sentences of this article, you might also have suspected that other people – counterintuitively – aren't always the antidote to loneliness. They may even be part of the problem. In fact, we can just as easily be lonely in a crowd, in a romantic relationship, among friends.
So, in our busy, technology-connected world, why do we still feel lonely, even around others? And is it really another pandemic – something always to be avoided, medicalised, eradicated, stigmatised? Or can we also learn from it?
Sam Carr, a psychologist at the University of Bath who researches human relationships, believes the "biggest myth" is that people are always the solution to loneliness.
Bound Alberti agrees that physical isolation from others is not necessarily what makes people lonely.
Carr recently received a letter from America. Its author revealed that she's been married to her husband for half a century. She also revealed that he's always been the source of her loneliness. She'd hoped marriage would be the cure – it ended up the cause.
After all, if one partner prioritises physical connection while the other craves an inquiring, intellectual bond, they may well end up lonely, together.
But societies around the world changed radically over the next two centuries. Bound Alberti argues that as religious and other traditional belief systems weakened, cities grew, communities and families dispersed, so people became more "anonymous" and less connected. The rise of individualism, which has been in some studies, may also have played its part.
"When I look around and see the lack of social care, the lack of connectedness, the lack of an ability to feel like we belong except when we're buying things, which is increasingly the only way we come together in physical spaces, it seems to me that it's not really any surprise that we feel lonely," says Bound Alberti. "The weird thing would be if we didn't."
But we should also recognise that beating loneliness isn't just about forming connections. We need to build and nurture meaningful connections.
We should remember that some relationships can also leave us feeling lonely. Whether it's with a friend or romantic partner, we can experience loneliness in a relationship when we feel unseen, unheard or like we have to wear a mask or be someone we're not in another person's company. If this is you, allow time for communication. Tell your friend or partner what you need and give them the space to share their priorities in return. Perhaps the relationship is toxic, in which case you should consider leaving it. But you may also have built walls or developed diverging interests and needs over time, obstacles that can be overcome.
Whenever we experience feelings of loneliness, it's always worth asking what those feelings are trying to tell us. But Remes also suggests that we should be wary of the answers we give ourselves. When we're lonely, we may well ask, 'why?'. But our answers can have significant consequences. If we answer the question, "Maybe I’m lonely because I haven't reached out to people as much as I should have", for example, then that can be motivating. The answer contains a manageable solution – I need to reach out more – which can spur you into action.
But if you answer the question, "I am lonely because I'm unlikable" or "I'm unlucky", then the solution – I need to be more likeable or lucky – will feel abstract and further from your reach. "The key is to see the situation as being within, rather than beyond, your control," says Remes.
And despite talk of loneliness being an "epidemic", and the stigma that's often attached to it, remember it's not always bad. Whether we feel isolated in a crowd, a relationship or at the ends of the Earth, loneliness is part of who we are.
"There's a period, a sort of a desert, you've got to cross to become a new you. And it's inevitable that it's going to be quite lonely crossing that desert. But we should appreciate that as a part of the existential reality of being human rather than some indication that we're broken or need fixing."
As the world gets ever busier, finding better ways of connecting with others may be something we could all benefit from. But we also shouldn't be too critical of ourselves when we do feel lonely. Don't forget it's a natural, diverse and sometimes helpful phenomenon that we should listen to, not simply stigmatise."
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